Here he is at 5 weeks
And 12 weeks:
At 19 weeks we had a fetal echocardiogram ultrasound. The doctors were worried because we had family history of heart problems and I am overweight. They found a medium hole in the heart (called a VSD). They said the holes usually close up on their own, and if they don't, a minor (fairly commonplace) surgery can be done at 6 months to fix it.
We were worried, of course, but not too much. A small hole in the heart can be dealt with.
At 20 weeks we went in for our anatomy scan. It took a little longer than I was expecting. After the scan, the doctor came in and our world came crashing down. She said our perfect little one had 18mm bilateral ventriculomegaly. Basically water in the brain. Normal is between 1-10mm, mild-moderate is 10-15mm and >15mm is severe. Our prognosis was severe and it wasn't something that would heal on its own.
You know what this feels like? Did you ever see idiocracy? The 2 smart, well adjust people didn't get the baby they wanted or deserved while the hillbillies can have billions of healthy kids:
It feels so unfair. I've wanted this pregnancy for so long, and tried so hard, and we're getting a damaged baby? Seriously? Fuck. Stefan is still so happy to be a dad regardless of the outcome. I'm still dealing with this heartbreak. I just want to drink...I seriously think about it a lot. I mean, does being sober really matter anymore? My chance for a normal, happy healthy baby is pretty shot. I haven't had a drink, don't worry...it's just there in the back of my mind right now.
Sorry for all of these downer blogs lately. I'll try and update this blog in a few weeks when I've had a chance to calm down, and feel the baby kick on the regular. 4 more weeks till we hit the viability date. More to come.
